Letters to You (If You'll Believe One Word)
by secondmezzanine
Summary: Maddie, Noah, and Luke continue working at the TV station through the year as interns. Noah, still dating Maddie, seems more resolved than ever to resist his feelings for Luke. Meanwhile, Luke grows closer with his sister Faith, all the while falling deeper in love with Noah. Relationships are complicated when Casey returns to Oakdale. Angst and romance ensues.
1. Chapter 1

It begins with the need to defend their respective masculinity.

Actually, Luke recalls, it begins with coffee. Someone's doing a coffee run and everyone's barking out their order—latte, cappuccino, cream and sugar, black, de-caf. Noah orders his with sugar, hold the cream, plenty caffeinated, and his eyes move to Luke. Luke can practically feel Noah judging him, and as he says his order out loud, it catches halfway out of his throat. "A mocha…"

Well, so what if he likes mochaccinos with whipped cream, Luke thinks. Sure, it's kind of the caffeinated equivalent of ordering an appletini, but does liking delicious drinks have to be a gay cliché?

"-ccino," Luke finishes, and his eyes slide subtly to Noah's. Naturally, Noah's holding back a smile. "Shut up," Luke mutters. "They're delicious."

"Mmm-hmm. Real men always drink mochaccinos."

"Don't test me, Mayer." Damn his heart for beating too fast when Noah looks at him.

They stand outside in the alleyway behind the WOAK-TV station and drink their coffees, glancing at each other awkwardly. Luke's fine with this, this uneasy friendship they've fallen into. So what if he keeps mistaking Noah's shyness for sexual tension. So what if Noah keeps taking too large of gulps of his coffee as if scalding his tongue is enough to prove he's a tough guy (or a straight guy, or a real man).

So what if Luke wants to take a step closer.

Noah tries to step back when he sees Luke come closer, but ends up hitting the building wall. "You've—" He stops for a moment and looks away, half-smiling.

"What?"

"You've got whipped cream on your nose."

"I do not."

"Hmm," Noah says, non-committal. But he shivers in the early autumn breeze.

Moments like this are what keep Luke awake at night. If Noah weren't quite so tall or fit, if his hair weren't quite so dark and waved, if his eyes weren't quite so mysterious. He's like a character from a novel you never quite believe could be real, for god's sake, and here he is, leaning against red brick and laughing at Luke.

If only all that hadn't ever entered Luke's life, walked into his TV station, made being an intern quite so filled with angst—if only.

Then maybe Luke could stop himself from kissing him.

But it did. And he does.

And Noah doesn't push him away. He parts his lips and pulls Luke in with one arm and he's so damn cool he should be wearing a leather jacket. Luke only half-registers the two coffees hitting the ground.

And they kiss as the sun sets behind them and everything's too blinding and too warm for September.

Then Maddie's voice enters the haze, calling Noah's name from inside the building. So Noah yanks away and coughs and throws Luke a terrified look before wiping his mouth and darting back inside.

It always starts with the masculinity thing. It always ends like this.

~x~

_Noah,_

While you were out scouting locations for your next short film project, I took the liberty of cleaning up the spare/bedroom office. And by "cleaning up," I mean I unpacked and arranged everything, down to the last paper clip. Hope you don't mind that I did it without you, but I thought you might like to come home to, well, a home, rather than an apartment with a lot of boxes inside. But change it up however you want.

Just one request, please. Don't rearrange the DVDs in order of release date. I know it's cool and all, but I maintain that "ease of use" kicks the ass of "knows a lot about old movies" every time.

Love,  
Maddie

~x~

It's not as hard as Maddie might have guessed to give up going to Wesleyan. It's not that hard to find a great apartment with Noah. It's not even that hard to fit all of her clothes into the tiny bedroom closet.

In fact, everything with Noah has been pretty easy. So maybe it doesn't blow her mind, or send tingles down her spine at the very thought coming home to Noah every night, and maybe she doesn't go out of her way to make him love her. In other words, so maybe her relationship with Noah isn't the same as it was with Casey.

Well, that's a good thing. Of course.

It's _good_ that nothing with Noah is too difficult.

The only thing that Maddie wonders about is whether it should be.

~x~

"He's just a friend I've happened to kiss once or twice."

"Aww, Luke."

"Faith. It's true." Luke pulls off his work gloves and tosses them on the wooden work bench at the back of the stable, and waits for Faith to do the same.

"Luke. Don't think so." Faith peels off her gloves and shrugs off her jacket, despite the brisk early-morning temperature. Wiping her brow, she sighs. "I can't listen to you tell me about how you have this wild makeout sessions with this guy and then in practically the same breath tell me how he's just a friend. You know he's not. Not to you."

Luke groans and leads the way back through the stable. "Don't try to act older than your age. No one likes it."

"Oh, grow up, Luke. Tell me more about the coffee."

"You've heard enough."

"What, who am I gonna tell? Maddie?"

Luke turns back sharply. "Don't even joke. It shouldn't have happened and if Maddie knew, she'd be hurt. And she doesn't need to be."

"Relax, Romeo."

He rolls his eyes as they make it to the door and out into the dim morning light. "I don't know why I started telling you anything. A guy's supposed to torture his kid sister, not the other way around."

Faith flips her hair, a move she's obviously been practicing. "Is he ever going to come around?"

"Who, Noah?"

"No, the youngest Jonas Brother. Of course Noah."

Luke exhales slowly through his teeth. He looks out at the fields behind the stable and shrugs, hands in his pockets. "Dunno."

"I think so."

"Well, you've got faith, Faith."

"Har, har."

He shakes his head and rolls his eyes. "Go to school." He watches his sister trudge back to the house and feels a pang in his chest. Faith's got it so easy. Friends at school, talent coming out her ears, probably a whole line of decent boyfriends somewhere in the future.

And he's got coffee stains on his Nikes.

~x~

_Dear Dad,_

I know I haven't written awhile. I guess this letter is probably coming out of the blue. But I'm home alone tonight and well, I guess I missed you a little.

Am I allowed to say that? That I miss you? Is it tough enough? Manly enough? Truthful or honorable enough?

I want to be all those things, Dad. I think in some ways, I am.

Maddie and I moved in together. Did I tell you that yet? She thought some things over and decided to stay in town, go to Oakdale U, and spend a little more time with her brother Henry. And of course, time with me. Still feeling a little guilty that she made a pretty big life choice based partially (well… mostly) on me. But I can't help being a little selfishly glad. Things feel pretty safe with her.

There's this other person around though who won't leave me alone. Not harassing me or anything; in fact we're decent friends, but I keep feeling like I'm being pushed. And the thing that's tricky is, I like that feeling sometimes. It's like skydiving. You know it's dangerous and there're a hundred people who aren't going to approve, but you keep giving in and you don't realize until afterward that indulging in the moment was a huge mistake.

I keep making mistakes, Dad. And the worst part is hiding it from Maddie. Or hiding it from you.

I'm not perfect. In fact, I've got glaring flaws. We both know it. I just wish we could both get past it.

And wish I had the guts to send you this letter. If I did, I might be half the man you always expected me to be.

Give it time, I guess.

Noah

~x~

_Dear Casey,_

So I hear you're back in town. That's the nice way of saying it. I could say something like, so I hear you finally got sprung from jail, or the hoosegow, or whatever tough guys say… okay, probably no one calls it the hoosegow anymore. I know, I know. I watch too many old movies. You told me enough times. Anyway, I could say it with a lot more of a negative vibe than just, "I hear you're back in town," just so I could hurt you, the way you hurt me.

But I won't.

Not that I wouldn't like to. I know you think dumping me was the right thing to do, but—

Actually, no. It was_ the right thing to do. Because I've got a boyfriend now. Noah. In fact, I even live with him. And he lets me watch however many old movies I want._

Okay, that came out like I have to ask him for permission. Well, I don't. He likes old movies, too. He's going to be a director. He's dark haired and tall and all the things you're not.

There, I said it. Tried to hurt you some more.

I'd like to ask if you still love me, but as you can see, I've moved on. So really this letter is just a request for you to leave me alone, even if you were thinking about coming to see me.

Yeah. That's it. Goodbye, Casey.

Maddie

~x~

She's sitting on a bench downtown when Casey sees her for the first time. She's hunched over a notebook, writing as if her heart depends on it. A low whistle comes from his lips at the sight, because damn if she isn't even more beautiful than when he went away… her dark, wavy hair falling over her face, lip caught lightly in her teeth as she concentrates, cheeks blushed with chilly autumn wind…

"Casey!"

He jumps, almost as if he'd forgotten he was standing there or had made a sound. "…Maddie," he says.

Maddie doesn't stand or move to touch him at all. "I—I heard you were back." She glances down at her paper and frowns. "But I'm not going to call it the hoosegow, if that's what you're afraid of."

"Huh?"

She looks flustered. Her notebook slams shut. "Nothing. Forget it. I wrote you a letter. Here." She rips it out and begins folding it for him, as if they're in fifth grade. He almost expects a "Do you like me, check yes, no, or maybe" box inside. The chuckle that escapes makes her look up, eyes flashing.

"What?"

"A letter? Mads… I haven't seen you in months. Let's sit down… talk." He's got his cool back. His hands find their way into his jacket pockets, and he leans back on one foot. He loves her like this, disconcerted and flushed.

"No."

"No?"

"No, I…" Maddie looks down. Then she flips open the paper and actually sets her legs apart in a firm stance as she begins to read. "Casey. I know you think dumping me was the right thing to do, but— actually, no. It _was_ the right thing to do. Because I've got a boyfriend now. Noah. In fact, I even live with him. And he lets me watch however many old movies I want."

"Yeah, Maddie, I'm gonna stop you right there…" Casey reaches out with one finger and lightly pushes the paper down. "I heard about your boyfriend already."

"You… you did?"

He shrugs sheepishly. "I asked around."

"Then you know I'm over you. And I think you should stay away."

"Look, I'm not trying to bug you. I just saw you sitting there, and you looked so…"

"So?"

Casey gives her a half-smiling, half-pleading look. "You know. Like you used to. But not."

For a moment, her face finally softens. She looks away and shivers as the breeze picks up. There's a long pause before she speaks. "Don't talk to me like that anymore. We're over." She crumples the paper in her hands, turns, and walks away.

"Yeah," Casey mumbles, watching her. "Over."

~x~

Luke doesn't intend to be overbearing. He doesn't try to act like anything's different. He doesn't even attempt to give Noah any longing looks when he sees him at the TV station a few days later. He just walks over to the work table and sits down next to him.

Noah doesn't look up. He's writing something on his laptop—working on notes for their new intern cell-phone serial project, Luke guesses. He keeps typing for at least a minute, and Luke waits patiently to be acknowledged. Finally, Noah lets out a sigh and glances over. "Need something?"

"No. Just thought we'd work together today." Luke is slightly taken aback by Noah's tone, but he puts on a crooked smile and shrugs. "I've got some great ideas for a follow-up to _Invisible Girl_."

Noah scratches his forehead with his knuckle. "Yeah… about that." There's a slight pause. "I was thinking of proposing a new project altogether. I mean, not cell phone serial-related."

Luke shifts a little. "Well… that's fine. We're still all going to work together though, right? You, me, Maddie?"

Noah's eyes meet his for the first time. "You really think that's such a good idea? After…?" He swallows, and the look on his face says it all.

"Yeah, but—"

"My mind's made up, Luke. And I don't think you and Maddie should work together either." Noah turns back to the laptop.

Luke bristles. "If you can't work with me, don't dictate what Maddie and I do. It's not like I don't feel a little guilty too, but hey. It was a mistake, right? I'm not going to tell her about it. No one needs to get hurt." The sarcasm edges too far into his voice. His throat feels tight.

Noah gives him a long stare. He looks him up and down, and his gaze is so penetrating that Luke actually moves his arms as if to cover himself up.

He's never felt so much like a stupid kid in his life. Only Noah can cut him like this. Pull him so close, push him away.

When Noah finally speaks, he hardly needs to say it. Luke already knows. "Luke…"

"Don't say it."

"I'm not—"

"Gay. Yep, got it."

Noah winces, looking around to make sure there aren't any other interns nearby to overhear the dreaded word. "Dammit, Luke. You say nobody needs to get hurt, but look at yourself. You're already hurt. It's written all over your face."

Luke stands, pushing his chair back, so far that it nearly topples. He catches it awkwardly. "I'd rather have it written all over me than suppress my true feelings like you."

The words feel good. Walking away doesn't. But he does it anyway.

~x~

_Noah.  
You're:  
About as subtle as a knife  
(I know it's a cliché)  
You bury your feelings like a shameful coffin  
You plant inoffensive flowers over the grave  
(She's not going to fall for it forever.)  
You make me feel like I'm decomposing.  
It's grim. True.  
But you're not subtle  
Not to me.  
Not when I've tasted the lie on your tongue  
Or felt the trembling ribs under your T-shirt  
(It's just a crush,  
Luke,  
Remind yourself:  
Crushes flatten boys like you.)  
You and me, the flattened pair  
I want to come up for air.  
There._

~x~

When Faith decides that she wants to start drinking coffee, Luke smirks and warns her she's not going to like it, but promises to take her to Java after she finishes school and he's out of class. She's wearing a new dark blue pea coat with faux-fur trim, and reapplies her lip gloss as they approach the coffee house, as if some high school boy might be inside, just waiting for a sophisticated girl who drinks coffee and wears fashionable coats.

Luke asks her if these are her motives.

"You know, Luke," Faith says, "You might start thinking a little more about what _you_ wear. I mean seriously? What's with all the polos?"

"I like polos. I'm comfortable in polos."

She holds the door open for him. "Aren't you the one always trying to push certain people out of their comfort zones?"

"Shut up."

They go to the counter and Faith waits for Luke to make a suggestion. "I don't want coffee like Mom and Dad drink… no regular drip, or whatever. I want something… you know."

"Fancy?"

"Fashionable."

"Fashionable coffee. Got it." Luke shakes his head and looks at the menu. A latte sounds good to him, but he doesn't know what the heck teenage girls like. It's not like he spent his youth studying up on them.

"I've got a suggestion, if you're up for it," a voice says.

Both Luke and Faith look to the edge of the counter, where a tall, golden-locked barista with shockingly straight teeth is leaning over the glass and beckoning to them like a Greek god. Faith immediately steps forward, drawn like a maiden to Adonis.

"Try this," the guy says, holding out a to-go cup. Faith gently takes it from his hands and sips. "It's a mix of cocoa and coffee. Kind of a… training coffee."

"It's delicious," Faith breathes, and Luke wonders if she even tasted it.

Adonis gestures to Luke. "You want to try it?"

Luke's put off guard. "Um… sure." Faith hands it over and he takes a drink. It tastes… well, exactly as the barista described it. Like cocoa and coffee.

Adonis smiles. "You like it, right?"

Luke narrows his eyes. Is this guy flirting with him?

"I'll take it," Faith interjects. "For here." Adonis busies himself making up a new cup. Faith nudges Luke. "He's so hot," she mouths.

"Shut it, dork," he mutters.

"I think he might like you." Her cheeks are pink with amusement.

"Will you shut—thanks," he says loudly as Adonis hands Faith her drink.

"And for you?"

"Nothing. I mean, a latte. To go."

The guy gives him a slow, perfect smile. He's so beautiful that Luke swears his toes are curling. "Anything you want." Somewhere, angels are singing and Faith's dancing on a cloud.

Letting out a sharp breath, Luke turns and leans, his back to the counter, while he waits for his coffee. "I want to leave. You should've gotten yours to go."

"Heck no, I want to stay!" Faith laughs quietly. "Stay—flirt a little! Come on Luke, this guy is _obviously_—"

Adonis sets the Luke's latte on the counter, his presence making them both jump. "Th—thanks," Luke stammers. As they go through the ritual of paying, he can feel sweat trickling down his back. Adonis keeps smiling and at one point he winks—actually _winks_. Finally, after his fingers brush tormentingly over Luke's palm as he hands him the change, Luke marches to the corner table, as far from the counter as he can get.

"What is _wrong_ with you?" Faith hisses, sitting down.

"Nothing. Let's just drink up and go."

"That guy likes you. He—oh my god."

"What? What?!" Luke swivels.

"Nothing. Just—look." Faith points to Luke's paper cup. A phone number is written over the Java logo. She giggles. "Oh, he's definitely into you."

He stares at the number for a long time. "Greg" is written next to it, but he'll forever be known as an Adonis in Luke's mind. "I don't care," Luke says, and he feels nothing. "Let's just finish up and go."

He hides his face when they leave.

~x~

If it weren't for Maddie, Noah would starve.

He walks home from class, and the apartment is filled with the warm scent of lasagna and garlic bread. "You… are my favorite girlfriend," he says, wrapping his arms around her waist and hugging her from behind. Maddie just smiles and keeps cutting the bread, but she leans back to feel him against her.

"It's freezing out. I thought something warm would do us both a little good."

"You do me a little good."

Maddie turns in his arms and kisses him. She kisses him again, and a third time. So maybe her heart doesn't spring into action, but everything about Noah is warm. His body, his smile, his personality.

Not that she's convincing herself or anything.

"Hungry?"

"You bet." Noah disengages himself and drops his bag in the corner before sitting at the table. "Hey… Maddie?"

She brings the bread over and grabs him a Diet Coke from the fridge. She's never really thought about it before, but she sort of likes being domestic like this. She can't imagine being that way with Casey.

Okay, yes she can, but it's different. Doesn't matter.

"Hmm?" she says.

"I heard Casey's back." Noah bites into the bread and moans. "God… you're a good cook."

"It was a package from the freezer aisle," she laughs, ignoring his news.

"Anyway… you want to talk about that?"

"Nope."

"You're sure?"

"Yup." She pulls the lasagna from the oven and sets it on the table. "Ta da! What do you think? Only a tiny bit burned on that side."

He can take a hint. "I think… let's eat."

And they do, in comfortable silence.

~x~

Maddie had been slightly surprised by the variety of classes that Oakdale U offers. Sure, it's no Wesleyan, but it almost feels like she didn't give up much (if she squeezes her eyes tight and concentrates on the good things, never the future). She managed to register for a crowded Gothic literature course during the first week of classes, and had been burying her nose in novels like _Frankenstein_ and _Dracula_ and _The Mysteries of Udolpho_ for six weeks now.

Frankly, it made the turn of autumn feel creepy, and she liked it.

Noah complained once or twice that she was staying too late at the library, that they didn't spend enough time together, that she should let him cook dinner for her one of these nights, in return.

And she will. Tomorrow.

Tonight she huddles in a dimly lit area of cubicles and desk carrels at the Oakdale U library, next to a window where a naked tree rattles against the pane. The atmosphere is delicious, perfect for the stories she's marathoning—"The Fall of the House of Usher," "The Monkey's Paw"—and then she'd planned to move on to Leroux's _The Phantom of the Opera_. At this point, she'll be at the library until 2 A.M. when they close, but the thought of texting Noah to let him know she'll be late feels irritating. She's a free woman, isn't she?

She turns another page, promising to text Noah at the end of the story. But she sneaks a peek at "The Monkey's Paw" and is sucked in, and before she knows it, it's nearly one A.M. and she's still hungrily turning pages.

Just as the corpse of the main characters' dead son comes knocking at the door near the end of the story, there's a sharp rapping at the side of Maddie's wooden carrel.

She screams, the book dropping from her hands.

"Sssssssh! Mads, this is a library!" Casey is laughing.

"Casey! Christ Almighty, what the _hell_?!" Fumbling for her book, she tries to catch her breath.

"Relax," he chuckles. "I brought you something."

She looks up at him, eyes still wide, and can't help but notice how adorably disheveled he looks… his hair is too long, for one thing, and his old grey zip-up sweatshirt is beginning to fray. There's a shadow of stubble on his face. For a moment, she can't even speak.

Then she notices that he's holding out a cup. "What's that?"

"Cocoa. I was wandering around and I saw you up here. Did you know this stuff is free?"

Grabbing the cup, she sighs. "It's not free, you're supposed to pay for it."

"Well there wasn't anyone around collecting money."

"They probably just went on a bathroom break!"

He groans. "Sheesh, you try to be a nice guy…"

She takes a sip of the drink and has to admit it hits the spot. "What… what are you doing here so late, anyway? It must be almost one."

"Try one-thirty."

She bolts up. "God, really? I have to go."

He grabs her backpack for her. "I'll walk you. It's late."

"No. I'll be fine." Maddie pulls on her coat and takes another gulp of the hot chocolate. "Just need to get home."

Casey picks up her book and examines it carefully. "_Classic Horror Stories of the Nineteenth Century_? Wow. Didn't ever take you for an Edgar Allen Poe type."

"Yeah, well," she says, snatching the book from him. "There's a lot of things you don't know about me, Casey. I'm evolving."

"Mmmhmm. Into the kind of girl who would rather spend all night at the library than home in bed with her boyfriend?"

"I have an appreciation for fine literature!" She pulls the backpack from his shoulder and tries to ignore how haughty she's beginning to sound.

"Maddie."

She begins walking away.

He takes her elbow, and it's all to easy to stop her. Before she knows what's happening, Casey's mouth his covering hers and it's warm and chocolaty and she's melting into him…

"No." She pulls away, eyes still closed.

"Yes." He pulls her back, moving his hand to the back of her neck, kissing her in a way that's soft and firm and oh-so-Casey. Finally he stills, their noses still touching, and the only sound is the dim buzz of the library's fluorescent lighting. "I know I'm not supposed to be doing this," he says, his voice hoarse. "And you can go back to this other guy of yours. But I know when I've made a mistake, Maddie. And I own up to it."

Maddie pulls back, shivering, her eyes locked to his. "Well I haven't made a mistake."

He looks at her for a long moment. "Good night, then."

"Good—good night."

She turns, and the walk home in the dark is enough to make her never want to read another horror story.

~x~

_Maddie-_

Look, I'm sorry for what I did in the library last night. It wasn't fair. I get it.

I just need you to know I'm here. And I'm not going away again. And if you want to be mad forever, or push me away because I'm not exactly boyfriend material, hey, I get it.

But I still love you. Okay? That's it.

Casey

~x~

_Dear Casey,_

I have absolutely no idea what you're referring to regarding the library, nor am I angry, nor am I holding a candle for you.

That's it.

Maddie

P.S. I did appreciate the hot chocolate, though. I'm not totally heartless.

~x~

_**Luke's Journal**_

_Okay, so I can't help thinking about him. The Adonis guy. Not because I see the two of us riding off into the sunset. More like because I'm a regular* guy with regular* urges._

*Regular as defined by non-homophobic parties.

And yeah, it'd be great to go out on a date with this guy and maybe find ourselves tangled up in the back of his car, doing things that… well, things I shouldn't write here. I know you're looking for this journal, Faith.

But it feels like a goddamn betrayal. To a guy who can hardly even look at me after we kiss. A guy who's totally committed, god knows why, to a perfectly nice girl.

And really, it is a betrayal, to hold this pathetic torch, when Maddie's trying to make it work with him.

But this guy… he wanted me. I saw it in his eyes. Felt it in how he touched me. He'd do things to me, things I really only want from you, Noah, but at least it'd be something.

I'm sick of being plain old lonely Luke, the guy everyone feels sorry for.

~x~

_Dear Dad,_

Hey look, another letter from your disappointing son!

Sorry. I probably shouldn't start off with such a bitter tone.

Let's start over.

Dear Dad,

I need to ask you something you've probably been wishing I'd asked you years ago, but never did.

I need to ask your advice about girls. Relationships. Maybe even sex (which is okay, since I'm definitely not sending this letter).

Basically… how do you know? How do you know if you love a girl? I mean, I think I love her… I definitely care about her. We do it… sometimes. And it's good. It isn't wild or crazy or terrible or awkward. It just… is. It is what it is? And I get annoyed sometimes, when she's gone, but I'm not sure whether it's because I miss her or because I need her around to remind me who I'm supposed to be.

How pathetic is that, Dad?

Remember that friend I told you about? The one who's driving me a little crazy? He just seems to know who he is and what he wants. He doesn't seem to need some kind of reminder like I do. I want that and yet I don't. Maybe I'm not ready for that.

I don't know.

I guess the real question I have here is this: why do I cling to something that makes me feel like I'm suffocating? I mean—she's amazing. She really is. But the more I need her around, the more I need her, the more I need her, the more I need her…

Do you know what I'm saying?

Is there ever going to be a time where I'm okay with just me?

Noah

~x~

Maddie suggests that the three of them go out to lunch on Wednesday. They've all been working on separate projects at the station, and only a hint of that summer camaraderie still remains, but Maddie's determined to make it work—Luke can tell. And anyway, he likes spending time with her and Noah, despite the fact that he feels awkward knowing that he's kissed her boyfriend, on more than one occasion, and he'd do it again if given the chance.

The awkwardness is set off by guilt, so all in all, it's a beautiful day to walk over to Al's Diner for a bite.

First Henry comes over and ribs his little sister for never coming around enough anymore, and Maddie hugs him around the waist without standing up, and there's enough laughter to pull a little tension from the room. Then they tuck in to cheeseburgers and fries and Cokes and Noah and Maddie start talking about Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn and Luke's so used to it, the way he was over the summer, that things almost feel normal again. Pretty soon they're making him jot down titles of movies he has to rent, and Noah's giving him that _I can't help but find you clueless and adorable_ look that makes Luke's heart want to explode, and then… Adonis—well, Greg— walks in.

And then Luke's heart is in his throat and he instinctively moves closer to Noah, but he can't help but keep his eyes on those blonde locks and impossibly smooth skin.

And then Adonis catches sight of him.

Luke always wondered where people got that confidence, the kind of confidence that allows you to just walk up to a person and start talking like you're old friends (or lovers) and you've got the right to smile that bright, brilliant smile any damn time you please. He thinks his father might've had it, back when he first met his mom and they fell in love despite everything. No wonder. Confidence, Luke thinks as he swallows a dry French fry and coughs, is attractive.

"Hey," he says.

Luke coughs again, blinking. "Hey."

"Remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah of course." A pause. "Maddie, Noah, this is… Greg."

Maddie smiles adoringly at him, every bit as enamored as Faith had been, and Noah seems—well? Luke can't tell. They each shake his hand, and Adonis returns to Luke. "So. You never called."

Maddie's eyes shoot to Luke, a puzzled smile on her face.

Luke can feel himself blushing. "Oh, ah… yeah, I just never… ah… you know, I'm not really looking to, uh…?" He is horribly aware of Noah's gaze on his face.

"Hey, it's cool." There's an easy grin. "You just think it over. That is, if you're not…?" He throws a questioning look toward Noah, the way he and Luke are sitting so close at the corner of the table their shoulders are touching. Instantly, Noah moves left, putting an arm around Maddie and shaking his head… not mad, not even confused—simply defensive. Adonis nods and slowly smiles again. "Right. So… call me?" He saunters back to the counter, picking up a to-go bag, and heads out the door with one last look to Luke.

Maddie snorts with laughter. "Who was _that_?"

"Um… Greg. I call him Adonis."

Maddie whistles low. "Um, I think he likes you, in case you didn't notice by the blatant hitting on you."

"Yep." Luke looks up at Noah, looking for some small sign of reaction.

And it's there. Noah's eyes squint, just for a moment, and he looks down and licks his lip. Almost a sadness.

Luke grabs his Coke and takes a swig. He should feel glad. Glad that Noah's jealous. Glad that this gorgeous guy wants to be with him. He should feel elated.

Instead, he's just pissed as hell.

"Listen guys, I think I'm gonna go… catch up with him." He slaps a ten on the table and scoots out of the booth. "See you back at work?"

Their eyes follow him, Maddie's amused, Noah's unreadable, and when Luke catches Adonis's elbow outside, it feels like a cheap victory.

~


	2. Chapter 2

They kiss in the back of Adonis's car. No, not kiss. Make out. Full on make out. And Luke can hardly believe it's happening.

They'd gone to a movie, something slashery, Halloween-themed, and Adonis had traced circles into Luke's palm until he groaned and they left early.

And then they curled their bodies around each other, groping over clothing and panting in the dark, parked on a road just beyond the farm.

"You like that guy?" Adonis breathes in Luke's ear, catching his earlobe with his teeth.

"Hmm?" Luke moans.

"That guy at Al's. With the dark hair. Come on, don't lie to me." He tugs and Luke's entire body shudders.

"Yeah, yeah, I like him. Don't want to talk about him."

"Mmm. Kay." Then their lips are together and it doesn't matter anymore.

~x~

Noah can tell, just by looking, that Luke hooked up with that guy. That disgustingly… glowing guy. He looked like the sun rose and set on him, and he'd acted like it too. Damn perfect white teeth.

Luke's browsing through the video library, and Noah can't keep his eyes off Luke's fingers. The way his nails are trimmed. The thickness of his thumb. The small freckle on the edge of his palm.

He wants to taste him.

Noah's pretending to look through the videos too, working up the nerve to speak. "So," he manages.

"So," Luke repeats.

"That guy."

"Yup. That guy."

Luke gives away nothing. In fact, he doesn't even turn to look at Noah.

"Luke…"

Luke doesn't react, and his body language says that he doesn't think he needs to. He's right of course, and Noah knows it, but he can't help it. Luke is a thread he has to pull on. Has to.

The door is shut. Most of the staff are in the 10 A.M. meeting. Maddie's at class.

He reaches out with one hand and lets his fingertips graze Luke's back.

Luke stills. But he doesn't pull away.

So Noah steps forward, pressing his full palm down, sliding his hand up to the back of Luke's shoulder. He lets out a shaky breath. "You're so warm," he breathes. Then his lips are on the back of Luke's neck and his arms slide around his waist. "God, Luke, so warm…" He tastes him, dipping his tongue into his ear, kissing his neck, inhaling against his hair.

Luke's reaction is almost instantaneous. He leans back, pressing his body into Noah's front, tipping back his head, exposing his neck to him. Luke's fingers curl over Noah's, pull him in tighter. But he doesn't speak.

Noah whispers his name between kisses, over, and over, till finally Luke turns in his arms and kisses his mouth.

Noah isn't sure how long it goes on. Three years, maybe. It's possible.

And then Luke pulls his mouth away, gasping. "It's not right. Maddie…"

Noah pulls him back, kissing him. "I know, I know, I know…"

"Do you want to be with me?"

Noah stills, his lips on Luke's cheek. "Hmm?"

"Be with me." Luke's voice grows firm. "Do. You want. To be with me."

Noah drags his nose lightly across Luke's cheek. "Luke…"

"Do. You. Want. To. Be. With. Me?" Luke pulls back and cocks his head.

Noah looks back. He swallows. "Luke…" he repeats.

"Got it." Luke sidesteps him and heads for the door. "That's my name."

Noah chases him to the door. "Luke, _wait_."

He rounds the corner and runs smack into Maddie. "Maddie! Shit. I mean, sorry. Shit." He flushes. He can feel Luke's kisses all over his skin, like a brand. He's not sure that Maddie can't see it just by looking at him.

"Hey… you okay?" She touches his arm.

He looks at her. Sweet, concerned Maddie, the girl who did nothing wrong, who sacrificed for him, who took care of him when he needed it.

"Yes," he says hoarsely. "Fine."

~x~

_Greg,_

Here's the thing. I'm in love with someone else. It's not like I didn't enjoy what we had…I just need you to know that I'm not all… there. Hardly fair to a nice guy like you.

And yes, I do realize that he's never going to come around, and the chances of him breaking up with his girlfriend for me are, well, slim to none. But I'm a hopeless romantic. Or a pathetic romantic. Or a ridiculous romantic, I don't know. Whatever I am, it's stupid and insane and all doomed in the end, but it's just how I am, and I can't change my stripes.

So it's up to you whether you want to keep up our little charade. Like I said… it's not like I didn't enjoy it.

Luke

~x~

_Luke,_

Damn, you are cute. The only charade I see happening here is you still hanging on to the hope that Mr. Closeted Brunette from the diner is going to unhook his claws from his girlfriend and come out by hooking on to you. You and me, though, we could be real. So come on. Give me another try, at least. Wouldn't you rather have some fun than… well, total hopeless misery?

Greg

~x~

Maddie's read enough Gothic stories by now to know the feeling well—the prickly, hairs raised on the back of your neck, intuitive feeling that something's about to happen. Or that something already _is_ happening.

And she keeps feeling it. Like she's one of the innocent maids, living in a brooding castle on the edge of the moors, and every time a window slams shut in the wind, she spins and gasps. She begins imagining Noah as the dark master of the house—not unkind, but unknowable, always in shadow. He begins staying longer at the station to work on his latest film project, and she keeps tucking herself away in the corners of the library, her nose buried in books.

So maybe she occasionally looks up, on the off chance that Casey will be standing there with a stolen cup of hot chocolate, offering to walk her home.

He never is, of course.

Maddie knows things aren't really as bad as she imagines them, but as the temperature drops and the last of the autumn leaves sink to the ground, she indulges her Gothic fantasy. And she indulges that feeling, that back-of-the-neck sensation.

Never does it strike her more than when she and Noah ride home from the station that night.

"Did you two have a fight?" she asks quietly, looking over at Noah.

He keeps his hands tightly on the steering wheel.

"No… yes. Not really. It wasn't a big deal."

"Seems like a big deal. You guys have had some tension since summer, haven't you?"

"Not enough to really talk about."

Maddie swallows and looks out the window. She shivers. It's appropriate, since it's Halloween, and after today, snow is fair game. "God, it's getting freezing out there. I wonder if it's going to snow soon."

Noah doesn't answer, but he doesn't seem angry. It's almost as if he's not paying attention. She reaches over and touches his thigh. He jumps a good three inches, the car swerving slightly to the right. He corrects it quickly. "Jesus, sorry."

"Okay, _what_ is going on? You have to tell me."

"Maddie, it's fine, okay? Let's just go home… spend some time together."

The words hang in the air, and she knows they're both thinking the same thing. That "spending time together" usually means one thing, and that one thing is the only thing they have to remind themselves that they're anything more than friends anymore.

"I don't want to 'spend time together' tonight," she admits.

He looks over. "Well… fine."

"I don't even know who you are anymore. The way you hang around the apartment… worried all the time, and you won't tell me why… and don't tell me whatever went on between you and Luke tonight is nothing, because it's not. If you think I'm blind to it, you're crazy."

"There's nothing going on between me and Luke. I love _you_."

Her retort catches in her throat. "What… what do you mean?"

Noah slows to a stop at a red light. "Just what I said. I'm not into him, so you can get it out of your head."

There's a long silence between them. Noah keeps his eyes trained on the stoplight. Maddie stares at him, frozen.

"What?" he finally says, tired.

Maddie's voice is tight. "I never said… I never said you were into Luke. Wouldn't really have believed it..."

"Good."

"Until now." She lets out a laugh of disbelief. "My god, so that's what it is. You know, now that I think about it… it just… it makes sense, it makes so much sense, and I can't believe I was deluded enough to ever think—" She laughs, bitterly. "I can't believe I gave up Wesleyan. I can't _believe_ I gave up…"

For a minute, he tries to defend himself. He protests, assures her he loves her, insists he's the guy she always thought he was, condemns the idea that he's anything but.

And then they pull into the dark parking lot of their apartment building and they sit silently with the heat running, and he takes her hand.

She doesn't move for a moment. There are tears on her cheeks, but she squeezes his palm. "You know I would've been okay with it. If you'd just told me a long time ago."

Noah stares straight forward and she almost thinks he has tears in his eyes too, but he keeps his straight-backed military pose and just shakes his head, once.

"I'm sorry, Maddie," he finally manages, and his voice cracks and it's all she really needs to hear, if she's honest.

They sit together in silence for a long time, and then she walks down the street to the little grocery store on the corner and asks if they have any spare boxes. On her way back to the apartment, it begins to snow.

And that's when she knows that it's over.

~x~  
_**Maddie's Journal**_

_I'm not sure I can really blame Noah for not telling the truth, or not being able to accept it, or whatever._

Hell, didn't I do the same thing to him?

Fall in love with someone else, realize it wasn't going to work, and move in with Noah instead? I mean really, when you get down to it, aren't Noah and I exactly alike?

It's not like I told him that Casey and I kissed in the library.

It's not like I wasn't thinking about Casey sometimes when we… you know.

It's not like we weren't both pretending we were something we're not.

I did like cooking for him, though. Even when we began living like something out of one of my novels. A dark, stormy night… two people too frightened to say what's really going on out loud, so we keep it inside and live like strangers…

But I did—do— love him, in a certain kind of way.

My things are already in boxes. It's easy to pack when you know you need to go.

~x~

It's late when Luke realizes he forgot his cell phone at the station. It's Friday night and he won't be back till Monday, so he pulls on his jacket and drives over. It's Halloween, and there are a few stragglers from the trick-or-treating rounds still out, despite the fact that snow is beginning to fall. It's the kind of night he used to spend with his basketball buddies driving around town causing a ruckus.

Now he can't even remember the last time he even talked to any of those guys.

"That's life," he mumbles as he passes the high school parking lot. It's deserted, anyway.

For a moment, he wonders what things would've been like if Noah had showed up before they all graduated. If he and Maddie and Noah all went to school together, if Noah would've fallen for Maddie then, or if he and Noah ever would've been friends anyway.

There's a light on in the video library and Luke tries to tiptoe by on the chance that it's one of those two, the very two he wants to avoid. Maddie sees him anyway and comes to the doorway. "Luke," she calls softly, and he's forced to turn and pretend to be surprised that she's there.

"Maddie… hey."

"What are you doing here so late? I thought you were all caught up on your project." She looks tired. Even in the dim light he can see circles under her eyes.

Just like that, he knows Noah told her what happened.

"I was. I am, I mean. Just left my phone at my desk." He half-waves and turns, guilt pouring over him.

"Luke…"

"Maddie, please." He doesn't look at her. "Can we forget it ever happened? Me being such an idiot?"

She frowns. "We can still be friends, can't we?"

Surprised, Luke blinks at her. "We—we _are_ friends. If you'll still have me."

Maddie looks at him for a long moment. He's not sure what to do, how to act. Then she speaks. "Was I stupid to stay?"

"What?"

"Was I stupid. To stay for Noah."

He cocks his head. It almost looks like there are tears shining in her eyes.

"No… _no_, Maddie, no." Luke moves toward her, unsure what to do really, but she folds into his arms so easily that he hardly has to think. With her face pressed into his shoulder, it's hard to tell whether she's crying. "Did… are you two… is it over?"

"Yes. I don't know. I don't know what I want. And with Casey…"

Luke almost laughs. They're in the same boat, really. Not knowing what they want. Not sure how to get it. "I know," he says, patting her back because he can't think what else to say or do.

After a minute, she pulls away and wipes at her cheek. "I'm gonna go. It's late. I told Henry I was staying with him and Vienna tonight. I just needed some time alone first…" She grabs her jacket off the back of a chair and waves limply. "Thanks, Luke."

"Maddie."

She turns.

"You weren't wrong to try." His throat feels tight. "Even if it's all doomed in the end."

She lets out a breath and nods, once. "Night, Luke."

Later, at home, Faith comes in to his room and lies down on his bed and asks where he went and whether Noah was there and if he had any gossip about Casey being back for good and he tells her all the answers to everything but not what she really wants to hear.

She wants to know if he's going to go out with Adonis again. She wants to know if he's going to kiss Noah again. She wants to know everything that's happening in his life, because apparently nothing is happening in her own.

After awhile he gets frustrated and kicks her out.

Then he takes out his notebook and writes and writes until his wrist hurts.

~x~

_even if I drive and drive  
past parking lots  
dark windows you're hiding behind  
and the coffee shop you once told me  
had the best lattes in town  
(only lattes in town, more like)  
I know I'm not going to find you there.  
but I keep driving (and driving)  
writing (and writing)  
spilling coffee on your shoes  
borrowing pencils from your desk  
I wonder if you'd come over  
if I lied and said my sister asked for you  
she likes you,  
you know  
maybe because you're the most gorgeous  
man she's ever seen  
(same here)  
maybe because she saw me once  
after we kissed  
and I was happy  
happycrazyawfulsleepy  
have I mentioned?  
sometimes I feel sleepy  
when I think about you  
maybe because I think about you  
before I close my eyes  
maybe because you exhaust me  
maybe both._

~x~

_Maddie,_

I heard about you and Noah. No, there's no gossip about it. Henry told me, because I hadn't seen you in awhile. Knowing you, you're probably holed up watching old movies and studying too much or something.

I guess I don't know why I'm writing. I'm not sure how you're feeling about things, especially about me. But hey, I just wanted to say… sorry things didn't work out.

I mean not really, because I didn't really think you belonged with that guy, but you know. I'm trying to put a nice sentiment into this letter, okay?

I'm not bad at the letters thing, am I? You'd think having been in jail I would've gotten the hang of it. But nope. It's like how every paragraph here starts with "I." That's one thing I totally remember from high school English. You're never supposed to do that. It's all repetitive and makes you sound all self-centered… where was I?

Oh right. Feel better. Thinking about you.

Casey

~x~

_Dear Dad,_

It's me again. Your son who's too afraid to actually write to you. But I've got a good reason this time. It's because I have to tell you something, and you're not going to like it.

But I think, deep down inside, that it's a good thing.

I'm in love with Luke, Dad.

No, it's not a sexual infatuation or perversion. No, it's not a joke. No, I'm not crazy.

No, I'm not with Maddie anymore.

It's Sunday night, the snow is still falling, and all of Maddie's stuff is officially gone. Except for a little drawing she did for me of the three of us—that's her, Luke, and me—at the TV station. Boy, is she terrible at drawing. But she left it on the fridge for me, and I'm keeping it there.

Because yeah, I love her. We're just not supposed to be together.

The only trouble is that I did some pretty bad, unfair things to Luke. And I think that ship has sailed.

Can't really blame him.

Noah

~x~

Luke agrees to drive Faith to her piano lesson, because the thing is, the little brat is starting to grow on him. She's incessantly nosy and a little too emotionally invested in his love life, but she's also the only one he can talk to about this stuff anymore.

So, as they turn off of Sycamore and onto Elm, he announces that he has a boyfriend.

"A boyfriend?"

"A boyfriend."

"Who isn't Noah." She sounds doubtful.

"Who isn't Noah."

"So you're actually into this Greg guy?"

"Yup."

"Nah."

"What?" He turns to look at her.

Faith adjusts her earmuffs. "I don't believe it, is all. I mean sure, the guy is like, smokin' hot. Yeah. But you can't be into one guy and totally in love with another."

Luke scoffs. "Grow up, kiddo. Of course you can."

"I don't think so. Look, Luke, I thought you should go out with this new guy, too. But after I read all those poems you've been writing about Noah—"

"_Faith_! God damn it. Those were private."

"Then don't leave them lying out in plain sight on your desk. The point is, you've gotta give up on one of them. Either the new guy goes, or Noah does."

"If you ever go into my room again when I'm not there, I swear to god I'll make your life a hell, Faith."

"All right, all right, I'm sorry!"

Still scowling, Luke lets out a shaky breath. "It doesn't matter, anyway. Noah's never going to accept who he is, and he's never going to make it official with me. If he even still wants me. So why shouldn't I date Greg?" The question is half-hearted at best, but even so, Luke sets his jaw in a firm line.

"Because. You're only half-committed."

"Christ, Faith. Have you been watching Dr. Phil?"

Faith leans toward him, putting a hand on his shoulder as if she's his forty-year old therapist instead of teenaged kid sister. "I think you should pick Noah. You don't have a single poem about Greg in that notebook. I checked."

Luke sighs. "Noah's gotta pick me back, Faith."

"I know. Give him another chance. And if he's not feeling it, set him free. You know what I mean."

"I cannot believe my life has come to this. Taking advice from you." He stops the car in front of her piano teacher's house, and looks at her. "Not that I don't… appreciate it."

Faith grins as she hops out of the car. "See ya later, Romeo."

~x~

The WOAK Telethon is in full swing when Maddie sees him. He's sitting in the middle of the small sea of telephones brought in for the occasion, casually leaning back in his chair, chatting to someone on the other line as if he doesn't have a care in the world.

She can't help feeling annoyed. Not to mention confused. She's been planning this telethon fundraiser as part of her internship for months, and she was certain she knew, down to the last detail, everyone and everything involved.

But that's Casey. Always there when she wants him gone, always gone when she wants him there.

"Excuse me," she says, standing in front of him and planting her hands on her hips. "I don't recall inviting you to take pledges at this telethon."

Casey's eyes widen at the sight of her, and he tips forward so the chair rests back on solid ground. "Ah, can you hang on a moment, sir?" he says into the receiver before covering it. "Mads. There you are. So, you running this shindig?"

"Don't use words like shindig around me," Maddie snaps. "I don't have time for this, Casey."

He chuckles. "Um, getting a little upset over some pretty pointless things here, Maddie. Feeling all right? Pressure getting to you?"

"Can it. Get out."

He sighs and looks at her for a moment. Then he puts the receiver back to his mouth. "Sir, thank you very much for donating to WOAK. Your time and money are appreciated. Yep. All right, you take care. Bye." He hangs up and stands.

She waits, then gestures at the door, blushing a little in embarrassment for her outburst.

Casey toys with the zipper on his sweatshirt. "Maddie… come on. I heard about the telethon, I just figured I could help you out a little… maybe you'd even find it in yourself to talk to me. Hmm?" He gives her a tentative half-smile.

The truth is, she wants to hug him. Wants to throw herself into his arms and cry. Her lip actually trembles. She bites it quickly.

Casey's voice softens and he steps toward her. "Look, you need somebody to talk to? Or you want me to stay and get people coffee or something? I'll do whatever you need. Just don't make me go home." He smiles teasingly. "My mom's making me help her put pictures in photo albums. Every single picture has a long, involved story behind it. It's like modern-day torture. I mean, cut me a break here, Maddie. Pity me."

She wrinkles her nose and bites her tongue in an attempt not to smile. "Well… I guess you can… get me a hot chocolate." She pauses. "It's actually free here. No theft required."

"One free hot chocolate, coming up." He moves without turning, backing away with a smile still on his face. He waits until she finally returns a small smile before he turns and runs off toward the refreshment table.

"You okay with him around?"

Maddie jumps at Noah's voice. "Oh… hey. Yeah… yeah, I'm okay with it. I mean, it's a little weird? But maybe seeing him isn't so bad."

He nods. "So. How are ya, Maddie? It's good to see you."

"Good. I'm good. Still staying with Henry. Thinking about Wesleyan for the spring semester."

They smile at each other for a moment.

"It wasn't a mistake, though," she says.

Noah scratches the nape of his neck and gives her a look. "Really? Because I feel like a real jerk."

"No. No, it wasn't. And you're not. You know, I _wanted_ to stay. Things… they're not settled with Casey. And I love being near Henry… maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to stay in town for a little while. You know?"

He nods. Then he gives her a sly grin. "Not settled with Casey, eh?"

Maddie flushes and looks away. "It's just a vibe I get. I don't know. I mean, he's obnoxious and overbearing, but…"

"But you can't quite shake him. I get it."

She follows Noah's gaze, straight across the room to where Luke is chatting animatedly with one of the telethon volunteers. He's laughing, and his hair is messy, and he's gesturing to some papers in his hands like he's explaining something, and the look on Noah's face is… well, he's never looked at her like that.

"Yeah," she replies. "I know you get it."

~x~

Noah's forgotten to pay attention, and when he turns back to Maddie, she's gone. He looks around and sees her standing by one of the TV cameras, sipping from a Styrofoam cup and smiling at Casey.

Luke's making his way around the station with a clipboard, talking and laughing with everyone in the room. He's probably known them all since he was a baby; after all, he's been in Oakdale his whole life, and all his family is here…

A young woman in a blue dress brushes something off Luke's shoulder and they both laugh, leaning their heads together. Luke whispers something to her and they both look at a man a few tables down, then burst into quiet laughter again.

Inside jokes.

Noah never had very many of them. You have to have a history to have them. A history with people, with a place, with friends. A shot of jealousy zips through his chest and he runs a hand through his dark hair, wondering why he bothered coming tonight. There are enough volunteers to keep the telethon buzzing, and he's so awkward he may as well be hiding at home.

But that'd be so passive.

Noah always thought he'd be like one of the soldiers his father was so proud to be one of. Grow up strong and brave. Do good things. Never back down. Stand tall… he can almost hear the Colonel's voice listing off these qualities in his ear.

_Never back down, Noah_.

Someone announces that the cameras are about to shoot live footage of the telethon volunteers taking calls, and that everyone assigned to a phone should take a seat. There's an empty chair next to Luke's, and just before someone calls action, Noah slips into it.

Instantly, everyone on the phone begins talking louder, hoping to be heard on TV. Their hands move excitedly, pencils fly across the page, proclamations of gratitude are suddenly twice as enthusiastic.

Luke's attitude, however, changes the moment Noah slides in next to him. He turns his body slightly to the left, away from Noah's gaze, and he leans far over the table in front of them to look more closely at his donation forms. Noah picks up the phone in front of him, pretends to be on a call, and waits for Luke to finish his conversation.

When he does, Noah touches his knee lightly under the table. "Luke," he murmurs.

If he's surprised, Luke doesn't show it. He scribbles something on his papers and coughs.

"Luke."

"I'm busy, Noah. This is a telethon." Luke throws a fake smile at the camera.

"Yeah, I know. I can see the phones… and the cameras… and Casey trying to get in the shot." Noah tries to smile at Luke, but he can't catch his gaze.

Luke's phone rings. He snatches it up. "WOAK-TV telethon, Luke here, would you like to donate today?"

Noah lets out a breath, his courage sinking. He watches Luke for a few minutes, still just pretending to be on his phone, until Luke hangs up again.

"Hey," Noah says. "I was thinking… maybe I could come out to the farm sometime… just hang out. I haven't seen your family in awhile?" He scratches his head nervously. Luke just looks at him. "And I just. You know, I like them. Faith, and Natalie…"

"I don't think so." Luke returns to writing.

"Oh… okay." Noah clears his throat. "Kind of rude to invite myself, anyway. I just thought, all I've got is this little apartment, and I can't cook or anything, and everyone's going to be so busy with the holidays that we probably won't get a chance to hang out much pretty soon…"

Luke looks up at him. "I have a boyfriend, Noah."

It shouldn't hit Noah quite so hard, but it does. It's like a sack of cement hitting him in the chest. It's not like he didn't know what was going on between Luke and that gorgeous blonde guy.

He just didn't know it was… that serious.

"Oh," he says finally, but Luke's already on another call, scribbling on his paper.

Noah slowly hangs up his phone and stands. Luke doesn't react as he walks away.

What a complete idiot he's been.

~x~

**WOAK-TV TELETHON DONATION FORM**

NAME _  
ADDRESS_  
STATE AND ZIP_  
PHONE_  
CARD TYPE_  
EXP. DATE _  
NO._  
AMOUNT_  
ADDITIONAL NOTES:

_don't look at him, Luke.  
don't look  
don't look  
damn it, you looked  
fool.  
fool in love.  
There—take a call.  
and? is he gone?  
no.  
still there.  
don't look, Luke.  
keep writing  
just keep writing  
till he's gone.  
there.  
he's going  
(that's what you wanted.  
remember?)_

~x~

"Telethon, Luke here, want to donate?" All right, so his enthusiastic telethon persona has faded a bit, but at least he's still trying.

"Uh, sure. Five bucks. That's all I can spare, I've got my eye on a new top at the mall."

"Faith! Damn it, how'd you manage to get my phone?"

"It only took about fourteen tries. How's it going? No, don't answer. I saw it for myself. You just broke Noah's heart."

"What?"

"Dude, I saw it for myself. The whole county saw it. Well, if they were paying attention. You were right there on the left side of the screen. I mean, I couldn't hear what you guys were saying, but Noah was obviously talking to you, in _that_ way, and you clearly blew him off! What gives?! Did you break up with Adonis for nothing, then?"

"Arrrghhh… Faith… I don't have time for—"

"I can't believe you did that. I can't believe you did that! Luke Snyder, hopeless romantic, totally blowing off the only guy he ever really loved. Pathetic. I had higher hopes for you than that."

"All right, just hold on a second. I never—"

"Wow, this really teaches me a lesson. Listen up, kids! Hang on till ya can't hang on no more, then, when the guy you like finally wises up, drop him! Only way to protect your heart, right? And break someone else's in the process, but hey, we're only human, right?"

"I get your point. Now leave me alone."

"Chase him down. Find him. Don't screw it up, Luke. You're gonna scar him for life."

"Hanging up now."

"Do it. Or I'm telling Mom."

"God, you're mature."

"Love you, too."

~x~

_Casey,_

Thanks for your help tonight.

I mean, I didn't ask for it or need it or particularly desire it.

But it was nice. Having you there.

That's all.

Maddie

~x~

_Maddie,_

You're welcome.

I knew you'd fall for my charms in the end.

Casey

~x~

He finds Noah standing out in the alleyway behind the station, shivering in the cold. It's late, but the winter stars cast a hazy light.

"Hey," Luke begins, hesitantly.

Noah leans against the brick and looks at him coolly. "Hey." His eyes return to the sky.

"I'm sorry about before."

Noah shrugs.

"Really." He scuffs his sneaker in the packed snow. "God, it's cold. When did it suddenly turn into winter?"

Noah smiles. "Still feels like summer sometimes. Being here… the station, I mean. There was something about that… that summer. Just the three of us all the time? Guess I shouldn't have assumed things would stay like that."

Luke crosses his arms over his chest, trying not to shiver. "Guess not."

"So… you have a boyfriend now."

"Nah… not really. Just a bluff."

Noah shoots him a confused look.

Luke sighs. He moves to the wall and slumps against it next to Noah. "Look… I can't keep doing this. We're either something, or we're not. I don't want any more in between. I want…" He shakes his head, sighs. "Something different."

"Something different."

"_Yeah_. God, Noah, don't you? Aren't you sick of this weird purgatory we're stuck in? Never moving, never…? Just never. Never more than what we are. Two stupid kids…"

"I wrote my dad a letter," Noah says, looking away.

"I—what?"

"My dad. I wrote him a letter. And you're in it." He looks at Luke, and his face says it all. "And I'm going to send it."

They look at each other for a moment, and the wind whistles, and there's no coffee or sunset but Luke thinks there's something romantic in it anyway.

"And I'm in it," Luke says quietly.

Noah leans forward, pressing his forehead to Luke's, and closes his eyes. "And you're in it."

Then he kisses him and it's not like before. It's frightened. Exhausted. Tentative. It's something different, this time. It's real.

So Luke parts his lips and pulls him in, his fingers tracing the nape of Noah's neck, and Noah lets go, moaning into Luke's mouth, tasting him, loving him. Luke can't breathe and doesn't want to breathe. Everything's freezing, except for this. He wants to live in this kiss.

They're both smiling, he realizes.

It always begins like this. Love, that is, or at least that's what he believes. A movement. An admission of love, or something like it. A letter, or a poem. A hope. And sometimes, if you're really lucky, a kiss.


End file.
